in sickness & gratitude

Yesterday was the hardest day of my pregnancy so far. I was super, super sick. I spent most of the day in bed, had an awful time eating (even opening the refrigerator to select something was enough to inspire dry heaves), and felt incredibly dizzy every time I got up. I also got terrified that something was going wrong. Everything seems alright now, but loving this being so much is scary business.

This first trimester thing is hard. I keep thinking that I’m “bad” at it. That I’m “not good” at being pregnant. I know that’s not fair – that being “good” at being pregnant doesn’t have to mean being stoic, not complaining, not giving in to how lousy I feel – but when I imagined myself pregnant, I did not imagine feeling this terrible, nor saying so.

But then there’s J, and this whole other thing that I never imagined, which is relying on another person, that one other person, so much, and having them come through at every turn. It’s showing me this whole new aspect of love. It’s not just what she does for me, though there’s that: much of the cooking (normally more my job), most of the housework (normally a two-person job), the bulk of the dishes (which, if there’s any food on them, make me sick to look at), playing make.the.bed with the puppy (aka changing the sheets with our boy cat as a helper), running errands that I’m just too tired to run, reading me to sleep every night (the most comforting thing in the world if you’re me). And most of this without being asked; she just senses that I need the help, and she gives it. But it isn’t just that. It’s this growing sense that I can count on this person, and will always be able to do so. That no matter what we face, we’ll be there for each other. A confidence that I don’t have to be well, or productive, or stoic, or at my best for her to love me. I can’t imagine a bigger blessing in life than being vulnerable, and having someone you love understand that vulnerability, and work towards making you feel safe. This is what J does for me every day right now. Pretty lovely.

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