random thoughts on the eve of our second trimester

1.This is the lovely 1920s heat vent in the will.be.nursery, and the new white trim, and the gorgeous Tupelo Tree walls. I love this room. The work that J and our friends did this week made it even more beautiful, and even closer to baby ready.

2. I’ve just gotten back into my dissertation (after a brief hiatus and a lot of procrastinating). I felt overwhelmed at first, but I’m starting to like that this year I’m creating both my most significant work of scholarship and our first child. It feels like such a fertile (creatively, literally) time in my life, which is new and thrilling and full of labors of love. Starting today, I have vowed to work on my dissertation every single day except Saturday, even if only for an hour some days, until the baby comes. In a way, it feels like something Baby G and I are doing together. I don’t want to fear either of these processes. I want to remember, in spite of all the self-doubt, that I’m equal to these tasks.

3. Though the first trimester nausea is not gone, it’s been complicated by a new symptom: starvation. I feel hungry most of the time. Like, achingly hungry. I dream about food almost every night, including one dream that featured a five-star, lesbian-owned, vegetarian buffet, which we hit up with friends at midnight. That was a good dream. Though food still makes me sick (to look at, to eat, to consider), I want it, and in large quantities. Yesterday, J brought home, among bags and bags of food, Marcona almonds, the ingredients to make from-scratch zucchini bread, the makings of egg rolls (which I’ve craved since week six and have yet to consume), lots of spinach, carrot muffins, vegan bratwurst, organic oven fries, baked salt and vinegar chips, local hand-milked cheese, and tons of tomatoes (which I’ve been craving like crazy). She is both tired of hearing me say how hungry I am and the lovingest wife around. In the next three weeks, the baby will grow from 2+ inches to 4+ inches long. We’re doing our part to help.

4. I can’t believe we’re entering our second trimester. We should hear the heartbeat at our midwife appointment tomorrow. Isn’t that amazing?

5. J and I have this way that we like to welcome a new year. We usually spend New Year’s Eve working out and cleaning/organizing the house. At night, we sit together at the dining room table and light a candle for every person/animal in our lives, and we set our intentions for our relationship to that being. Usually a pattern emerges. For me, this year, it was openness. Less fear, more intimacy. More trust. Better listening. Faith. Expansiveness. That seems to be what I want to offer everything in my life right now. Openness. At the end of the ritual, we have a huge plate of lit tea light candles, and we blow them out (which we say sends our intentions out into the universe) and use them all year, one at a time. We also keep a book of our top moments from the year, as well as the moments we’re glad to have behind us (which we fill out on NYE before the candle lighting/intention setting). Now that book has four year’s worth of highs and lows. I love the feeling of history we’re starting to acquire as a family. I love how deliberately we’ve built that sense of history, and I love that we get to offer it to Baby G. S/he can one day read what this year looked like for us, the good stuff and the hard stuff. The trying to make him/her. The growing. The context into which s/he will emerge.

6. J and I get e-mails all the time now from people who have heard about the pregnancy and want to offer us blessings. Family. Friends. From all over the world. People who are mothers themselves, or fathers. People who aren’t. People who know us intimately, and people on the periphery of our lives. They are all sincerely excited for us. They seem to believe that we will be good parents, that we are deserving of this honor. They’re excited to see who this child will be. They offer morning sickness advice, parenting advice, stuff they wish someone had told them. They tell us that Baby G is blessed to have us. They understand how blessed we feel to have him or her, and each other. It moves me more than I can say. It all feels like family. There’s so much joy around this little creature.

7. J is downstairs making those egg rolls I talked about before, and I’m sitting in the will.be.nursery with our cats. If this is a preview of the second trimester, I’m going to love these next few months.


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