to the heartbeat of a lark or the lark in my heartbeat

I’m not sure we’re doing this right. It occurred to me tonight that there’s probably a much better way to go. Do you ever feel that way? Like you’re taking a path full of resistance because you’re not sure how to find another (softer) one?

We have about four days to stand still between the chaos of the semester and the difficulties of next week (J helping her mom through surgery and me working this crazy conference). I wasn’t sure what would happen once we had a little time. I’m five feet, one and a half inches tall, and J just (lovingly) called me “five feet, one inch hot mess and half an inch of joy.” That’s a fair assessment.

I’m sad that J and her mom have to go through this fear and pain. I have this image of J laughing and happy. It’s not from any particular time, just from before. I want to see her laugh that way again. I want for the universe to carry her and her mom safely through the week to come.

We spent the last half an hour or so listening to Josh Ritter songs in our living room. J’s head was in my lap and there was stillness. Mostly I felt quietly sad. Our dear friend A’s mother died yesterday. A has taken care of her mom for years, and though I never saw them together, I know that A was a loving and generous daughter. I know this because she’s a loving and generous mother, and friend, and teacher. Those of you who know her know how blessed we are by her presence. I keep thinking of the Indigo Girls singing “my friends and I have had a tough time.” So many of the people I love are in pain. I want to find the less.achy path for them too.

My anthem today is the Josh Ritter song “Lark,” which my friend C recently gave me. This is what I’m praying for tonight:

I am assured, yes,
I am assured, yes,
I am assured that peace will come to me.
A peace that can, yes,
surpass the speed, yes,
of my understanding and my need.

Here’s a link, if you want to hear it. It’s helping me right now. Maybe it will help you too.

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