.five weeks, two days.

I’m writing this from my mom’s house in Charleston, South Carolina. It’s been five days since her breast cancer surgery, and, considering what an involved surgery it was (six tumors; reduction of fifty percent of both breasts; reconstruction of both breasts), I’d say she’s doing very well. She’s keeping a positive attitude and I know that she’s got a lot of family and friends pulling for her. I’m so glad that I’ve been here to help her through this difficult time. I fly home tomorrow afternoon, and I think she’ll be well enough to manage with some help from local friends this week.

In other news, we’re five weeks and two days pregnant. Again. It’s very surreal, and it’s been so difficult to be away from R this whole week. I know it’s been really taxing on her, too. While I have a host of supportive and compassionate friends here in Charleston, I miss our little Midwest world and the sense of domesticity and safety that it offers. I know that it’s also been lonely for R both to be away from me and the baby for a week and because I’ve told mutual friends that we’re expecting (so as to have “in-the-know” friends to lean on while I’m here). I know that it’s been hard for R to feel left out of the excitement of telling folks. I know that this reversal of roles is complex for both of us. It’s very strange for this to be happening inside of my body now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic that we’re pregnant again, and on our third try no less, but it’s painful for it not to be R’s body, for it not to be Emmett, for it to be on a new (largely out-of-our control) timeline.

There aren’t really any books or websites out there about how to navigate our unique situation. It’s not the same as lesbian couples who take turns carrying because there you have equality in the experiences of pregnancy. I think our situation more closely resembles heterosexual couples where one partner discovers infertility after a loss and must pursue the use of donor eggs or sperm or even surrogacy or adoption. It’s grieving the old narrative and trying to find joy in the writing of a new narrative. Hopefully, it’s a new narrative that will result in a happy, healthy baby and mamas in nine short months. Hopefully.

So that’s where I am today. As far as early pregnancy news, there’s not much to tell. I have to pee constantly and I’m often sleepy in the afternoon and late evening. My breasts are very sore and I feel some light cramping here and there. Our first appointment with the new midwives practice is scheduled for May 31st, though I think it will just be intake paperwork and bloodwork at the lab. Fun. Thanks for all of your kind comments on R’s sweet Italian Almond Tart post. Mmmm…tart. We’ll keep you posted.

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4 thoughts on “.five weeks, two days.

  1. We are 5 weeks 4 days pregnant and we’re in a similar situation. We didn’t choose to use my eggs in her womb because we wanted it to be equal, but because she literally has NO eggs. I know it’s not comparable to your loss and reasoning, but I thought I’d share.

    I hope your mother’s surgery is a long-term success. I’m sorry that you’ve had to spend time away from your partner so early on in this pregnancy.

    Good luck.

  2. So glad you’ve been able to spend time with your mom during this time. I can’t imagine the emotions that your family is going through right now… I’ll be praying for the three of you.

  3. I’ve been thinking of you this week, J. R told me the good news on Wednesday, and I’ve been so hoping to talk to you, too, to tell you directly how happy I am for you both. You are a good daughter to care for your Mom, and I’m so glad to hear she’s recovering well.

  4. Love, love, love to you, my dear friend. I know this is all complex and there’s a lot of rewriting ahead of you two. The grief doesn’t stop. The loss of Emmett; the grief in R’s body. And alongside this is this beautiful hope and joy. They live side by side. I know you won’t forget one in the face of the other. We won’t either.

    big hugs and safe journeys on your return home.

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