So, one of my least favorite things in the world is the feeling of not finishing something. For this reason, I have stayed committed to the photo challenge because in my soul, I have to finish things. Really. Or they haunt me. But starting now, I am officially out of the have to finish business. I am out of that business because life is about to get too crazy to always finish everything, and the sooner I get used to that the better.
Some of you already know this, and we’ve hinted about it to others, but here’s why:
After going public with our adoption profile on Wednesday at our one-to-two-year-average-wait-time agency, we were contacted by a birth mother on Sunday. FOUR DAYS AFTER PUTTING OUR PROFILE UP. We have an incredible connection with her over the phone, and we’re meeting her this Sunday. She’s made clear to the agency that we’re the right family for her SON (she said she couldn’t call the other couple she was considering after talking with us because it would feel like she was “cheating” on us). :) She’s due January 3rd (we have January babies), and she’s as devoted to an open adoption as we are.
Assuming this happens, it will be the fastest placement our social worker has facilitated in a twenty-one year career. We are in shock, but thrilled. This just doesn’t happen. Bram will be almost exactly a year old when this new little baby comes home with us. She/we are thirty weeks along right now, so we only have a little over two months to get ready. We are thrilled.terrified.overwhelmed.already-in-love. We’re both pretty much useless and clumsy; we’re so distracted. It’s like processing a whole pregnancy in ten weeks. Plus whole new/other emotions that I don’t even know how to look at yet. We feel like one-hit-wonders (a new feeling for us, that is for sure) if one-hit-wonders got pregnant and delivered healthy babies in under three months. We feel under rug swept. But we have said all along that our way into this was trust: we trust birth mothers. They know what’s right for their babies. They know. For this reason, we said we’d find peace if we weren’t placed. For this reason, I trust that we’ll make our way through the craziness of this and towards this little boy.
It’s not a great state to be in for the job search, but we do have a solid-ish plan:
- Assuming this placement happens, J will take twelve weeks of maternity leave (already approved), and I’ll write for three hours a day starting at two weeks and be home with them the rest of the time. I’ll send my dissertation to committee in April (hopefully only a few weeks after J’s maternity leave ends), and then I’ll be on full-time with the boys through the summer.
- If I find work this cycle, we’ll move this summer, and J will take a year off before starting her doula business (she’ll be home full-time with the boys).
- If I don’t find work this cycle, we’ll find enough childcare next year for me to teach (in what capacity we’re not yet sure), and I’ll be home the rest of the time. We’re pretty happy with either possibility, so I figure that’s a good place to be.
So the advice-seeking:
- Those of you with siblings close in age: please tell us what we need to know. We know it will be an intense year or two, but we hope this will mean they’ll be close.close.close. Any suggestions as to how to facilitate that?
- Those of you with adopted children, especially those of you with open adoptions: what do you wish someone had told you? Talk to me about the guilt, the sadness, the complexity of emotions.
- Those of you with more than one at home, what do you do to protect your marriage, to still make time for one another? This first year with Bram has had its tough times, but we’ve learned from them. We are committed to learning through this, too, and to staying on the same page even better this time. How do you make that happen?
- Also, tell me about the guilt that comes from bringing home a second child. Did you mourn the time you had with your first? Did you feel like you were betraying them? How long did that take to change?
We’ll share more specifics soon. For now, just know how grateful we are to have this community.