That’s what it is. Rough. I can’t really write now because the emotions are running a little too high, but I am feeling super lonely and super overwhelmed and super scared, so if you felt like sending up a prayer or a thought bubble or a long-distance smooch to us or the gods of better times, we wouldn’t object.
I do have a fracture, but the more serious thing is my Lisfranc dislocation, which requires surgery. Which I will hopefully have next week. And by “hopefully,” I mean I will hopefully get to the other side of this soon, and therefore not have it hanging over my head. And therefore not have to wait even longer to start the at.least.eight.weeks.with.no.weight.bearing clock that can’t even begin to tick until after surgery. If all goes just right, we’re looking at the third week of September before I can start to put weight on my foot. But that’s if everything goes really well. And I’m not feeling super optimistic. I’m also terrified of general anesthesia. Not the pain, just the sedation. So I’m open to reassuring stories on that front.
This is all intimidating for about a million reasons, most of which have to do with my sweet boy. And I’m not ready to write about that stuff yet because, really, it just makes me ache. But there’s other stuff too. Like the fact that J and I have been through a lot already, and it’s hard right now to pull together, and that’s scary. And the (cherry sweet) possibility that she’s pregnant right now, which would be amazing and miraculous except that she would likely get sick, and I can’t get around, and it’s already a horror show to figure out how to get the litter (which lives in our basement) scooped and everything else done. And I’m bruised all over from the contortions I’m putting myself into to still be a mom and a contributing member of our household. And I heard once that women do better with more hats because when they feel that they’re failing at one of their hats, they can still feel good about themselves in terms of their other hats. But right now I’m mostly wearing the mom hat, and when you’re mostly wearing the mom hat and you can’t get your kid down the stairs, and your kid seems kind of scared of you, and really (for the first real time in his life) mostly just wants to be with his other parent? Well, let’s just say you don’t feel great about yourself. And I have almost never (since I was, like, nineteen) gone more than a day or two without a looooong walk because for me, walks = sanity. But now I’m facing months with only what I can handle on crutches or the knee-walker (which I’m a little too short for), and I can’t even think about that because it makes me feel like I’m suffocating.
So, mental space = precarious. But I put pretty stuff here too, right? So y’all don’t mind some of the ugly?
Seriously, thanks for being out there. We are blessed by your presence.
Grateful Nota Bene 1: My mom is coming up two full days a week right now (and three this week!), and she is doing an amazing job of taking care of all of us. We are crazy lucky to have her devotion. My poor mom after my surgery consult yesterday. It went pretty disastrously. I was fired. I see a new surgeon tomorrow. So, you can imagine. [Ungrateful caveat: In the whole practice, there’s not a single female surgeon, nor a surgeon of color. White men reign. How crushing. I’m happy to be moving on to a different practice.]
Grateful Nota Bene 2: We have a handful of wonderful friends who are writing and checking in and asking what they can do, and they fill us with love. Most of them, unfortunately, live far far away, but a few live here, and we are blessed to have all of them. It is hard hard hard at this point to ask for help because, really, we’ve asked for a lot. Even sending the e-mail or making the call at this point feels a little humiliating. But I know that we’re not alone. That there are a dozen people out there who would answer our 3am phone call and try not to even sound like they were sleeping. Not for nothing, that.