wait ten minutes

Do you know that old saying about the weather in some places (California, Key West, Costa Rica… wherever)? That if you don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes? That’s how I’d sum up my emotions right now. They are many (in a not-so-pretty Whitmanesque way), and I can’t seem to hold onto any of them long enough to pin them down.

One minute I’m sure I’m not really bonding with Lou and the next minute I’m crushed by my love for him.

I’m at turns truly convinced that we’re damaging Bram by forcing him to share us so substantially, and then completely sure that this little baby is the best thing we’ve done for him yet.

I think this isn’t so bad about the exhaustion, only to dramatically think I can’t go on! within hours.

I look at Louis and and am just sure he’s been robbed by birth order – he’ll never know the kind of undivided love Bram knew – but also, almost simultaneously, that he’s so lucky – look what a calm mama he’s getting in comparison. Look how much less anxious he’s learning to be.

That we should have stayed a family of three AND that I can’t imagine our lives without him.

That we should most definitely stay a family of four AND that we should definitely stay open to adopting a sibling set when the time comes.

In some ways, it’s the craziest I’ve ever felt, because man: I cannot get a beat even on my own self right now. I’m basically a toddler in this way. But it’s also kind of lovely because it’s so clearly a product of loving so much: loving this life, loving these babies, being so desperate to do well by my children that I’m just about driven mad.

And I trust it will pass. It will pass and I’ll be left with the real stuff: the truth, which I already know is this: we are just exactly where we’re supposed to be. So when the crazy comes, I try to remember what one wise friend tells me: that feelings aren’t facts. And what another friend just reminded me of this morning, which is that this time isn’t always about having fun, or being our happiest, or relaxing, or even staying sane. That we can suffer some for this and even in the suffering we can choose this and that choice can be full of joy.

So that’s what this tiny quiet moment allowed. We’ll get a birth story here soon. And details about how we’re settling in with this sweet, mysterious creature (who looks shockingly like his big brother, but who feels, already, so different). The high high highs and the daunting lows. The sweet things Bram tells Louis. We’ll get to it all soon (I hope). For now, love and gratitude to all of you who’ve walked this path before us and are guiding us now.

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “wait ten minutes

  1. You and J are an unstoppable mama/pomo team. You’ve got this. And as an oldest child in a family of four kids (which I LOVED, and would never have traded for the world), I can assure you wholeheartedly that you are not damaging Bram by bringing him a sibling. Yes, he now has to share, but he’s still very young–as an adult he’ll always remember sharing your love and be quite accustomed to it. I speak as an oldest of four siblings who has been a sibling since I was older than Bram by about six months. I have precisely one memory of being an only child and having my parents’ undivided attention–I was 24, living at home in between college and grad school, and all three of my siblings were gone at summer camp for a week. It was nice to have BOTH parents’ focused attention, but incredibly strange. I kept looking for my brother or one of my sisters to take the heat off me. ;) In giving Bram a brother, you’ve given him a precious gift and a best friend he’ll have for the rest of his life. Hugs and sleep to your beautiful family!

    • I have a very similar family. My younger siblings ( 15 and 30 months after me) are some of my favorite people in the world. Not only does their existence give me joy, but in turn we’ll be able to support our parents together later in life. I firmly believe that Lou will only give Bram more love in his life, not less.

      • I am holding onto this. I love that they give you such joy; it is what I desperately want for my children. Thank you so much for taking the time to offer this reassurance.

    • I’ve thought about you and your wonderful sibs about a thousand times today, Bonnie. I can’t even say how helpful this comment has been to me.

  2. I worry about birth order, too, but then I realize that these boys will have a big sister who will love them and be their friend for their whole lives, and the sweet, sweet things Bram says to Louis make up the share of undivided attention that he won’t get by being first. The other saying to keep in mind is not to make any major life decisions when you have a newborn, right?

    • Yes on all fronts. A dozen yeses. Especially, for God’s sake, no life decisions right now. I shouldn’t even be allowed to decide what to wear right now. Getting so excited about you FIVE, by the way. So excited.

  3. Your honesty and your whole hearted loving are such incredible qualities for your boys to witness. It is impressive. The way in which you love. I imagine it must lead to exhaustion and tears and uncertainty at moments. But the way in which you love is just so beautiful.

    • Oh sweet friend. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt less impressive but I so appreciate this. Congratulations, by the way, on your big girl’s big move today!

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